


here

by bapplejack



Series: all we need is daylight [1]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, it's more of a character study, this isn't super shippy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 20:27:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9341873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bapplejack/pseuds/bapplejack
Summary: The chronal accelerator might keep Lena physically rooted, but her mind is free to wander as it will.Where Lena's experiences of being lost in time haunt her and Angela is an anchor.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is self-gratuitous bullshit, there isn't a proper end b/c i couldn't figure a way to do it well lol. also it's not my intention to be an ableist jackass so if i misstepped please let me know.
> 
> (there's some self-deprecating language in the narrative & i just want to clarify that is exactly what it is, not my views on ppl w/ mental health issues. i pulled that from my own experiences w/ my asshole brain. self-deprecation is my special ability.)

Some days were perfectly fine and uneventful; Lena went about her day as if everything was completely normal--or, well. Normal for _her_. Saving the world and acting as a vigilante while simultaneously breaking international law definitely made for an interesting life. Not that she would have it any other way. It was hard to imagine a time when Overwatch didn’t influence every facet of her life, though that could be for more reasons than just how important the organization and its activities had become for her.

There were days where nothing was fine and everything that was wrong was all encompassing and suffocated her mind. A vague feeling that everything was  _off_. That _things_ were out of place. There was a quiet voice that reassured her she was just having one of those days, that reality wasn’t coming apart at the seams and it might _feel_ like her and her body were disconnected but that wasn’t what was real.

And Lena would leave it at that, because if she delved down the rabbit hole of ‘what _is_ real’ then that would be a whole other headache--speaking from experience.

* * *

The darkness was disconcerting. It was like waking up in an empty dimension where the only thing that existed was nothingness. It sounded impossible, but it was something Lena had personally experienced. Somewhere in the fabric of time, whether it was the beginning or the end, or maybe it’d been both, there was nothing.

If she’d tried to contemplate that while in her right mind, it would be absolutely terrifying--but in moments like these, she didn’t really exist as herself.

She just… _was_.

Humans were small creatures in the scope of the universe. They had the ability to reflect on the past and think on the future, but ultimately they lived in the present. Time wasn’t linear like people perceived. It existed everywhere in all dimensions and was impossible for humans to fathom.

So what exactly happened when you yanked a person out of their proper universe and shot them through the entirety of time?

It wasn’t _pleasant_ , to say the least.

Tracer was the hero that saved the day, and of course that was Lena too--but there were parts of herself she had to keep separate from that identity.

The parts of herself that remembered what it was like having every fiber of her existence being stretched to the ends of the universe, and how it’d been painful and not at the same time. Because how could it hurt when she had no physical form?

How she’d been swept upon the currents of time, completely helpless and powerless to the whims of reality. How it felt like it lasted an eternity and also a split second. How she’d been sifted through the sands of time and experienced moments of lives from all eras and universes simultaneously. How her mind and consciousness struggled to stay anchored, but anchored to _what?_ She’d almost lost her sense of self, which faded and blurred with every moment she was gone. It would’ve been so easy to just let go and scatter whatever was left of herself amongst the nothingness.

And yet maybe it was the innate will to live that every living being had; no matter how hopeless her situation was, there was that small, stubborn thought that held her soul together-- _You will find a way back home._

And she had been saved, thanks to Winston. That was a miracle for the history books, and they were all more than happy to leave that nightmare behind them.

Except Lena _couldn’t_ , because now it was embedded and carved into her core. It’d twisted its way into the neurons and synapses of her brain and made itself at home. It was a part of who she was now.

So there were nights like this, where she’d awaken and sit up staring at nothing in the darkness. She wouldn’t even remember doing that. That’s what happened when she went through one of _these moments_ , it was like being lost in time again. Like Lena’s body wasn’t there and nothing was real and everything was just a detached concept.

Her mind struggled not to pull itself apart. Tried to bring her back into the present. So even though she still felt disconnected, Lena realized what she was doing. Just sitting in bed, staring at her hands.

Suddenly she was aware of the pounding in her ears. Her heart. _That’s right_ , she had a heart. Something a _physical_ body needed.

It wasn’t dark because the fabric of the universe unraveled and her with it, it was dark because it was nighttime and the lights were off. _Normal_ people were using this time to sleep.

Lena had no idea how long she’d been sitting there like that. Seconds? Minutes? In her mind, it could’ve been the briefest of moments or she’d somehow lost herself for months again.

...Had she?

She squeezed her eyes shut and struggled to keep her mind blank. Thinking just made it worse. She wanted to go back to sleep, but panic was rising in her chest and her breathing grew more sporadic by the second.

Lena swung her legs off the side of the bed--a small part of her was telling her she was being inconsiderate, having this existential crisis when other people were trying to sleep. But she was still struggling to anchor herself, and her body didn’t feel like her own. It was just a shell and she was just some abstract consciousness floating above it.

_Stop._

“Hey.” A quiet, soft voice shattered the unearthly silence as a gentle hand pressed into her shoulder. The touch wrenched her soul back into her body and she couldn’t help how she reflexively tensed. She stayed rigidly still as Angela pulled herself across the bed to sit cross-legged beside her. “Look at me,” she urged--but in her tone it was more of a helpful suggestion. Always the caring, considerate doctor.

Lena didn’t do so until Angela’s fingers brushed against her chin and guided her head. She wanted to say _something_ to let her know she was fine. Anything would’ve sufficed. A simple, “I’m okay,” would’ve been fantastic.

A firefight with terrorists and assassins? Easy, piece of cake. Saying three simple syllables? Impossible.

Angela’s eyes darted around her face, no doubt assessing her condition. She’d somehow managed a flimsy, brittle half-smile and she tried to shake off the thousand yard stare, but judging by Angela’s worried expression, that was a total failure.

“Are you looking at me?” she whispered.

 _Yes._ Even in the darkness Lena saw the familiar fatigue in her eyes; she didn’t think in the eight years they’d known each other had Angela ever looked fully rested. Always overworking and worrying about others but hardly thinking of herself. She wondered if her work habits had gotten better or worse since Overwatch’s dissolution--when everything came crumbling down, all of them separated, scattering to different parts of the world. It was safer that way. If they’d stuck together and people found out, they’d get funny ideas about what was going on and it was more trouble for everyone involved.

It was necessary.

But that didn’t mean they had to like it. Lena tried to stay in contact with everyone--especially Angela, though she was the hardest to reach. It was frustrating, but she couldn’t exactly be mad at her for saving people in war-torn countries.

So whatever their relationship was had been put to a halt.

But five years later they were brought back together by the recall, and it was as if no time had passed. Though they were older and fatigued by their respective responsibilities in life, they’d seamlessly reconnected.

“You feel this?” Angela wrapped her hands around one of Lena’s. “I’m real, and so are you. And look,” she nodded to the corner of the room dimly lit by her charging chronal accelerator. “That means you’re here. You’re not lost. You’re right where you’re supposed to be.”

Miraculously, Lena managed a small nod.

Angela’s small smile brightened at the response. “You’re okay.” She reassured and pulled her into a hug, one hand pressed into her back and the other’s fingers laced in her hair.

 _Thanks, doc._ Lena buried her face in her shoulder and closed her eyes as she took a deep breath. Words were still stuck in her throat, and thoughts and emotions were only half-formed in her thawing brain. She knew what the _proper_ way to act was--she should be upset. Maybe crying? But aside from the subtle fear that was slowly fading from her senses, there was nothing. She was still trying to pull together the “human” pieces of herself, and if it was anyone else comforting her, Lena would feel guilty and awkward for not acting “right.”

But when she’d been brought back to reality after her romp through time, she was under orders to get checked up on by scientists and doctors consistently to track her progress. Lena spent a lot of time with Winston and Angela in their respective labs, and the latter was the first to notice her dissociative fits. If there was anyone who came close to understanding what she was going through, it was Angela.

“Take as long as you need,” Angela murmured, almost as if she could read her thoughts. “I’ll be here.”

Lena nodded, the tension in her muscles she hadn’t even been aware of leaving her body. She focused on the warmth of their bodies and the pressure of her hands and fingers. She counted each of their breaths, and her fingers twitched as they dug into the fabric of Angela’s shirt.

“It’s a little after 3,” Angela whispered and pressed a kiss into her hair.

Lena appreciated the gesture and the words; her sweet voice always worked wonderfully in keeping her grounded and she knew that.

 _Sorry I’m keeping you up_. She’d remember to make the verbal apology later.

They stayed like that, and as the seconds passed, the more whole Lena felt. Every five minutes Angela read her the time, and in between she’d hum a song to fill the silence.

“The sun’s coming up soon. We could watch the sunrise,” Angela offered.

“You should sleep,” Lena finally managed, her words a soft whisper against her shoulder.

Even if she couldn’t see her face, she recognized this as a moment where Angela would smile wryly. “I was actually thinking once _you_ fell asleep, I’d go ahead to the lab and get an early start to the day.”

Lena scoffed. “Coffee isn’t a proper replacement for sleep.”

“Which one of us is the doctor here?”

She shook her head with a small smile. “You’re as bad as Jesse sometimes.”

“Are you comparing his credibility as a cowboy to mine as a doctor?”

“You haven’t seen his cowboy degree from cowboy university?”

“I think I’m offended.”

Lena huffed amusedly, “I’m saying you’re both terrible at taking care of yourselves.”

“He pours whisky into his coffee and calls it breakfast; surely I’m not that bad?”

“No, I think you completely forget breakfast on some days.”

“Well, it’s a good thing you’re around now to keep me on the right track.” Lena could feel Angela smiling into her hair.

“Yeah, so I say you take a nap after the sunrise, have breakfast, and _maybe_ I’ll let you go.”

“I wouldn’t dare disobey your direct orders.”

“Good,” Lena pulled away from Angela’s shoulder and leaned forward to press a kiss to her cheek.

**Author's Note:**

> if you actually read through that, thanks very much and i hope you enjoyed. or not. that's fine too.


End file.
